


Edge of Nowhere

by gibbsandtonysbabe



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, M/M, Major Character Injury, Memory Loss, New Beginnings, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-06
Updated: 2014-06-29
Packaged: 2018-01-18 11:02:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1426114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gibbsandtonysbabe/pseuds/gibbsandtonysbabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life can change in an instant leaving devestation in its wake. What would you do if you were given a second chance? Would you take it?  Hold onto it tightly to have more than you ever dreamed possible? Embrace or reject the differences? Standing at the crossroads he must decide to follow his heart or hang on to his past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I won nothing of NCIS or its characters. I am merely playing with them for a bit and will return them...eventually.
> 
> Many thanks to my most awesome Beta Amy! She is amazing as you all know!

The swaying of the train was not having the soothing effect that he so desperately needed. Honestly, he wasn’t sure anything would but he had hoped that getting away from it all would stop his mind from replaying everything before it drove him mad. 

 

He had found himself in front of the train station without any clear memory of how had managed to get there and really he didn’t give a fuck. He hadn’t paid any attention to where the train was headed when he blindly bought the ticket as he really didn’t care where it was going and that fact hadn’t changed. 

 

He had to get away and as far as he could. Taking the train had been in an effort to prevent possible prying eyes from following him. But right know he wasn’t sure that anyone gave a fuck about him one way or another.

 

Not as if anyone had inquired after him when all was said and done and right now that was actually something for which he was quite grateful. He felt like shit and knew that he really needed to be looked over, but that was going to have to wait till he arrived at a place he felt like stopping. 

 

Hell, he was frankly relieved that he had managed despite the many thoughts and images that were swirling in his head, to change out of his wet clothes. He honestly didn’t remember much more after watching the ambulance drive away.

 

So here he was on a train going who knows where and not sure what the hell he was going to do. He couldn’t stop the image of the lifeless blue eyes staring at him when he managed to pull him out of the water playing on a loop in his head any more than he could stop the feelings that came with it.

 

It was one hell of a time for an epiphany and if he had his druthers he would much rather lock this shit back up and not give it another thought. There was no way in hell he was going to say or do a damn thing with his unspoken knowledge. 

 

Right at this moment, he wasn’t sure if he was even going to return to NCIS or DC. He had friends that would help pack up his shit in a New York minute and he could easily move on and leave all of it behind if he chose to. There was nothing pulling him back there.

 

He really hadn’t expected accolades or praise and truthfully, in this instance, he didn’t want either, but for the man himself to say nothing afterwards hurt more than he was willing to admit. And the fact that he went off on his own and in that action, broke far too many of his precious rules wasn’t even worth considering. But they were the same fucking rules that had been a point of contention several times over and though Tony could argue that they were the bastard’s rules and he could do with them what he wanted, at the same time, the man was a Marine who should damn well know the importance of leading by example.

 

The whole lone wolf attitude had pissed him off, but the fear, despair, and loss that had rushed through him when he had to choose between Maddie and Gibbs was the reason he was where he was right now. And since he was on a train headed to who knows where, he had no idea when or even if he would ever be ready to deal with all of it.

 

Denial was a good as place as any to live.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Gibbs lay on the couch having refused, to no one’s surprise, to stay overnight in the hospital. He needed the solitude. He was well aware that he had gone off halfcocked determined to help Maddie and he knew why. Maddie brought a piece of Kelly back to him and as much as that was killing him, he reveled in the memories that came with it.

 

Some that were forgotten were brought back in full Technicolor as he looked at his daughter’s best friend and for a brief, heart wrenching moment could allow himself to imagine Kelly grown up. But what he couldn’t let go of was the fact that he had seen his girls…felt them deeper than he had ever felt them before and they had told him to go back.

 

He had so desperately wanted to go to them…join them finally, but as much as they were directing him to go back there was something pulling him back, something that he was not ready to let go of. There was no way that he could deny what had been simmering for years, but at the same time he wasn’t sure he was ready to do anything about it.

 

There were good reasons, very good reasons that he kept using to convince himself that inaction was by far the best course of action. But now…after seeing his girls there were other voices telling him to stop being an idiot and a chicken shit and take the bull by the horns.

 

Before he could even entertain that idea, there were many things he needed to set straight. Things that he had let go on for far too long and honestly, he hoped that it wasn’t too late. Hell, he hadn’t even thanked the man for having his six even when he hadn’t asked for it, or for saving Maddie’s life as well as his own.

 

He had a great deal to make up for and if the lack of appearance by the man in question was anything to go by, he had a lot of work ahead of him. He just needed to figure out if he started at work or with the personal. He wanted to get this right. It was too damn important not to, so much was at stake.

 

For once, he was going to invite someone in, someone to talk to and play the devil’s advocate. He never willingly invited people in his personal life and opened up but for this, he was willing to do just about anything.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

“Clear!” Someone shouted before the paddles were placed on the inert body on the operating table. His injuries were serious and they were all concerned that he wasn’t going to survive surgery.

 

“Come on…hang in there…you can do it.” Dr. Brandt was doing his best to encourage the man. Silence briefly filled the room for a millisecond before the heart monitor came to life. “Thank God. Let’s close him up and get him in a room so we can monitor him closely.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks and a whole lot of hugs to the most awesome Beta Amy! She is irreplaceable!

Gibbs sipped his coffee trying to quell the feeling in his gut, something wasn’t right. Tony hadn’t made an appearance yet and that just wasn’t how the man operated. Tony was the one who would get in his face and call him on his shit…so where was the man? Hell he knew he had a great deal to make right and he had every intention of doing just that.

 

Having come to the decision that he was also ready to move forward and take a chance was still at the forefront of his mind as well and he needed to sink his teeth into that. He felt like a whole part of him that had laid dormant for all these years was up and chomping at the bit.

 

He was still nervous as hell, this was a whole new ride that he was about to experience, but he had never shied away from a challenge and he was more than ready to take the bull by the horns. But right now the proverbial bull was nowhere in sight and that was sending up red flags.

 

He needed to see Tony now, but he was trying to wait for the younger man’s own timetable. He knew that he was going to have to do things differently and not for the obvious reasons. This was something that he wanted to work…needed to work. It was on par with what he had with Shannon and that was something he still treasured.

 

His past marriages and subsequent divorces were something that he wasn’t invested in, he honestly didn’t care. They were wrong from the beginning for so many reasons. And he had come to terms with that, accepted his part in their failures…finally.

 

This was something he would not allow to fail, he couldn’t. Tony was so much more than a man that he had fallen for. They were already friends and partners and he was so integrated in his life that his loss would leave a hole too large to even contemplate.

 

He depended on the man in so many ways and he knew that he had failed in letting him know that. A mistake he would not make again. His actions and words needed to match up and he needed to use both more than he had. He was never going to be verbose even in private. But there was a time where he was far more vocal and he needed to get that part of him back on track.

 

Tony would need words…the right words…honest words. He hadn’t had those much in his life and he knew that it would take time for Tony to fully believe them. It was going to take time and that was definitely something that he had to give the man. It was something that they both needed.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Dr. Brandt walked into the room watching the machines and checking the results. So far the man was holding his own. It had been touch and go in the beginning but having made it through the night his chances went up and that was a very good thing.

 

He was concerned with the young man’s temp. It wasn’t going down as quickly as he would like though it wasn’t in the danger zone. He was puzzled at the scarring in his lungs; for such an overall healthy and in shape man there was no reason he could find for that, but having no medical history to fall back on he was going to have to wait to hear it from the man himself.

 

They were also going to have to wait to find out his name, there was no identification found on him. The only thing that the police had been able to piece together was that he was a victim of a hit and run and that was only by the skid marks found by his body and his injuries supported being hit by a large truck. So far they had been unsuccessful in finding the ones who ran him down and frankly his face was still to swollen and scratched to be able to get a clear picture of. 

 

They were playing the waiting game and all hoped he would be able to provide answers. However since he had been brought in he had not regained consciousness. They estimated by his original contusions that he had been hit close to twenty four hours before being found and who knows if he had any form of consciousness during that time.

 

Right now Dr. Brandt’s only concern was keeping him alive and on the mend the rest would come when in time.

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Sunday night was quickly passing by and Gibbs was at his wits end, still no Tony and he was unable to sit and wait any longer. Picking up his keys he quickly found himself on the road and headed towards Tony’s apartment. The closer he got the more his gut was churning.

 

Barely turning off the engine before jumping out of the door seeing that the younger man’s car was parked in his spot. Not feeling the relief that he should at that he bounded up the stairs forgoing the elevator in his attempt to reach the apartment as fast as he could.

 

Knocking on the door as he was pulling out his lock picks not willing to wait for anything. The total silence emanating from the door was causing his already frayed nerves to go into overdrive. Opening the door he had desperately hoped to see Tony in some sort of disarray on the couch or stumbling from his room.

 

He walked in the space taking in everything that he did see; Tony’s coat flung half hazardly over the couch, a pile of damp clothes on the floor and though nothing was exactly out of place it looked wrong. He went to the man’s gun box and after a couple of tries with the combination opened it finding the gun and badge inside.

 

His eyes returned to the pile of damp clothes and he sighed. It was clear that the man had left after changing from his underwater rescue and hadn’t even cared to give the usual attention to his clothes. It was clear that he was not caring at that moment and simply removed them.

 

Right now he was regretting his decision to give the man space because the mere fact that he hadn’t returned had his gut churning. He headed for the younger man’s closet to see if there were any indication of how many clothes that were gone. How the hell he was supposed to judge that he had no idea but he needed to do something.

 

His gut was in overdrive and he had no idea what exactly was going on. Best guess it didn’t look like much was missing from the man’s closet so he hadn’t intended on being gone long…but the mere fact that he had left his gun and badge showed his frame of mind.

 

But where was he? His car was here…mess left on the floor…it sure as hell didn’t look like any long term planning went into this. He could understand if the man needed to get away and he was sure Tony was pissed at him. He had every right to be.

 

Gibbs shook his head, something was wrong. Tony should have been back by now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my very awesome Beta Amy! She really is amazing and deserves every accolade there is!

They had been searching for Tony for three weeks and had found nothing; no sign or indication of him anywhere. There was no trail to follow and was starting to look as if the man had literally disappeared off the face of the earth. The only thing that kept him going was the simple fact that no body fitting Tony’s description had been found and though that may not be much, he was hanging on to it for dear life.

 

He rubbed his hands down his face hoping to alleviate the weariness that had taken over his body. He couldn’t remember the last good sleep he had had nor did he have the desire to sleep at all. He needed to find Tony and bring him home.

 

He thought back to the conversation he had with his remaining team and remembered being taken aback at their attitudes. He was supposed to be a leader…but he had managed to miss the dissention and disrespect for his SIC. Frankly, he didn’t give a damn where it stemmed from, it simply needed to stop and if it didn’t then he had no issues with making the necessary changes.

 

The talk he had with Ziva and Tim left him with a sour taste in his mouth. He had the distinct feeling that they believed that they were indispensable and could not be replaced. It was a shame they held that belief because it clouded their ability to learn more. He was under no illusions that for all his skill, there wasn’t someone who could exceed and replace him. 

 

Ducky walked into the house surprised that Jethro had not moved or acknowledged his presence. That fact merely intensified his concern for the man and the reason for his visit. He knew what Tony missing was costing his friend. The signs were clear and he understood that he had to issue his mandate. He already knew that it would not go over well and he would most assuredly have a fight on his hands.

 

“Jethro, I come bearing food.” Ducky was not surprised that the man started at the sound of his voice. Frankly, he had never seen him so unaware of his surroundings since he had known him. One look at him was more telling than any exam would be, Dark circles under his eyes, listlessness and he looked like he had lost some weight. Sighing, Ducky put his bags of food down on the table.

 

“Not hungry Duck.” was the immediate gruff response.

 

“You will eat Jethro regardless.” There was no doubt from the tone of the ME’s voice that he was serious. “I would wager that you can not even tell me the last time you ate. So yes, you will be eating and you will start doing so right now.” Glowering at Jethro he continued pulling the food out of the bags and placing them on the table.

 

Gibbs glared as he stood up and went over to the table. “I really don’t want anything…it doesn’t sit well.”

 

Ducky turned to his friend. “I understand Jethro and honestly I am not surprised. One look at you and I can tell you aren’t sleeping, sustaining yourself only with that sludge you call coffee. That is not helping Jethro.” Holding up his hand to stop the oncoming tirade, Ducky’s voice softened a little, “I understand more than you realize, you’re not fooling me.”

 

“You need to find Anthony for far more reasons than anyone presumes. I will not get into that with you Jethro, you must do in that regard, as you see fit. But I will and am taking steps to insure that you do not spiral down further than you have.”

 

Narrowing his eyes at Jethro as he handed him a plate that he had prepared, “You blame yourself for everything and refuse to understand one fact.”

 

Taking the plate begrudgingly, Gibbs trained his eyes on the ME. “Understand what Duck?”

 

“That you are not omnipotent. You cannot know everything that goes on. You do not have super powers that allow you precognitive sight. So stop thinking that you should.”

 

Gibbs bowed his head. “But I should have seen this Duck…never should have happened. Tony is my second for damn good reasons.”

 

“Yes he is and I trust you will let him know that when he is found as well as be honest with him about everything.”

 

Tired blue eyes looked up and the worry as well as fear was evident. “What if I never find him?”

 

Placing his hand on Jethro’s shoulder, he squeezed it reassuringly, “I have no doubt that you will indeed find Anthony.”

 

NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS

 

Dr. Brandt sighed as he ducked the flying pitcher of water. He knew the man was beyond frustrated with his recovery.

 

“Did that make you feel better?”

 

“NO!” His anger was palpable in the room. “I can’t breathe without hacking my fucking brains out. You tell me I have scarring on my lungs that makes no sense, I have more scars than I know what to do with, my leg is healing slowly, I now have no spleen and I can’t remember my own fucking name.” Green eyes blazed in the doctor’s direction.

 

“Well on the upside we did find out you weren’t a wanted fugitive. That has to count for something”, the doctor smiled, trying to ease the man’s frustration with a bit of levity. “I get that this is hell, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to have no memory of your life. However, we are doing all that we can to figure it out. You need to worry about getting better.”

 

“But what if I can’t remember? What if I have forgotten something…someone important?” He had finally voiced the fear that plagued him.

 

“Then we get you a name and you can start a new life. The memories may come back, hell, you have only been awake for a week-“

 

“Ten days.”

 

Sighing internally, Dr. Brandt continued. “We won’t leave you high and dry. Half the older nurses have adopted you.” Seeing the small smile form on the young man he continued. “You won’t be without friends. We’ll figure it out.”


End file.
